Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
