I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
