I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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