I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
