my phone needs a breathalizer
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
