I hate your face
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
