Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
