Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
