just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
