lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
