Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
