i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
