I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
