I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
