Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
