i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
