I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
