I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
