i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
