so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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