Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
