I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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