i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
