drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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