My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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