Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
