he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
