Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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