I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
