Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
