Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
