Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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