"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
