she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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