she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
