i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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