mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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