hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
