I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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