im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
