Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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