I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
