We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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