Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
