Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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