I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The uberlube is also flammable
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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