The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
