we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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