Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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