So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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