Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
