All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
