I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Oh god it's open bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
